Still, the theatre itself is very nice and the staff and crowd were delightful and really up for it. It was more like an intimate pub gig than a theatre. So much fun.

Margate is not a bad area either. Especially when its sunny. It does have that interesting, yet sadly run-down neglected look to it like a lot of English seaside towns that seem to have been left to rust a bit since the booming days of the coastal holidays of many a British family in the 5O's though. You know what I mean. Those chip shops and bowling alleys and clubs and houses that are desperately in need of a a good few licks of paint and swings on the beach that are rarely used. 'Donut' shops beside tacky stores selling cheap footballs and dingies with cotton-buds for paddles. You get the idea. No donkeys or men with monkeys on their shoulders though, thank God.

Then, so yeah, last night, a great Edinburgh preview was had at The Funny Side of Covent Garden gig. I was quite tired after not getting much sleep in Margate and then being up early to head down to Rochester to see John Newton on his birthday, but soon forgot my tiredness when the crowd were so lovely and up for it for the whole hour. The banter, the little heckles were all great. I even got laughs just for talking about silly facts.

One girl was pissing herself just because of the finger thing I do with the spider feelers. She thought it was hilarious watching me wiggle my fingers pretending that they were 'palps'. I had to tell her to stop laughing.

That was the second time. I'd previously also told a woman to shut up laughing when I was talking facts about a Castillian King and the origin of that famous Spanish 'lisp', before even getting to the jokes. I told her that this is serious and I'm not here "To be laughed at!".

So much fun.

Then after the gig, these two American girls sat near the back and another lovely lady asked for a photo with me – without the Spidey hoody up! And they weren't 'groupie-types' either.

Its not what I do it for, but these little bits of stardom make it all worthwhile, I can tell you.

Xx

Tuesday, June 17, 2008 - Not again!

I just had a daddy long-legs crawl over my leg and bed.

I managed to trap it beneath my Spider-man mug and then transport it elsewhere. Hey, I am bit arachnophobic, but no killer, man!

Under my careful supervision and carrying, it made it to the balcony, where I released it. Little bastard/bitch! Last time this happened, a massive house spider came the next night! I hope that doesn't happen again!

Then again, maybe if I'd left the daddy long-legs he would eat the house spiders. Hmmm....

This sort of thing or dilemma never happens in the cinema or comedy clubs! Maybe I should've gone out tonight!

It was suggested that I should definitely just put it in the corner somewhere to keep away the other spiders, as it's true that they do dine on other spiders.

See, the thing is, I don't get that sort of mentality that a lot of Aussies adopt. Or at least, pretend to adopt. You know, where they say about things like the huntsman spiders. If you keep one in your house, it will keep other bugs away.

Yeah, keep a MASSIVE hairy spider in YOUR HOUSE so as smaller spiders and bugs will be eaten? That makes a lot of sense. NOT! I think I would prefer to just take care of the other bugs by myself, thankyou very much!

Still, by staying in, I got to finish watching the first series of Dexter on DVD. Its all a bit sad now thats its over really, as I was really into it.

There are other TV series and things, I guess, but I think my sadness may stem from the days when I loved ALF and they took that off air, or I when I missed an episode occasionally. Or rooted even deeper in my past perhaps?

And I always have 'Heroes' to get back to when I get downloads of the episodes I haven't seen yet [hint-hint, Cuz].

Then there is the second series of Life On Mars and the follow-up Ashes To Ashes as well [hint-hint again, Cuz].

But then what? The movies will always be there, I suppose, but they're a bit different. You dont follow them like a TV series and really get into them the same way. No wonder women went mental for Sex And The City. Its a bit crap in its concept for me, but I get why people get into these TV series'. In the past I did too. Too much sometimes!

Not good. That's why I avoid them usually. Oh My God! You think it might be the same with relationships? I have often thought that!

Its all ALF's fault! The little furry bastard! :-O

Xx

Thursday, June 12, 2008 - Incredible!

Yes, incredible! Simply, as it says in the title, incredible.

My tip for the day is to go see the new Incredible Hulk movie. Its brilliant! A review in the News of the World gave it a 3 start rating. That's criminal!

Myself and Josh Howie were in acquiesence, that its a 5 star movie and should be ranked up there with the best superhero films of all time like Spider-Man 1 & 2 and Batman Begins.

Apparently Edward Norton went head to head with Marvel Entertainment about the length of the film. They wanted it to be longer and he didn't agree. And he was right. I could easily have watched more and left feeling that I couldn't wait to see it again.

Top film and made the way the first Ang Lee film should've been made.

A must see!

Xx

Thursday, June 12, 2008 - Two Non-American Werewolves Not In London....

...but certainly stranded in a place where the opening scene was set!

Yep, stranded on the Yorkshire moors! Well, sort of, The Pennines. Its all the same isn't it? I think. It certainly looks the same!

After a long drive from Minehead back to London, then up to Durham to do the Black Horse gig in Barnard Castle, I ended up stranded on the moors with Steven Anderson and his friend when we ran out of petrol!

Beware the moon and stick to the roads-type country, man! It all got sorted thanks to 'George' driving past us and we ended up getting fuel from The Tan Hill Inn. That would be the highest Inn in Great Britain. Ironically, I'd seen the place on one of those Brit tourism programmes just a week previous and made a note to self that I must visit one day!

They even had a mock pub-hangy-thingy with the same painting as the one at The Slaughtered Lamb in the film An American werewolf In London on the wall. Luckily when I asked about it [they got it from some advert, or something] they didn't all stop what they were doing and sling us out after a guy missed the dartboard for the fist time ever.

And we didn't encounter any lycanthropes, but then it was daylight and there was no full moon. Still, Steven Anderson got a bit wolf-like with himself when he realised how low we were on petrol! :-D

Anyway, all gigs were so much fun and people in Blackpool even went for stuff about sharks, dolphins and spiders. Well, they kind of mother-in-laws too, I guess. ;-p

The Barnard Castle gig was great and Andy and Lynne who own the place are great with a great family. If only everyone had that attitude towards gigs and comedians, the world would be a better place. For us anyway!

So, THE INCREDIBLE HULK tomorrow with Josh and hopefully Belgrave too.

Its going to be grrrrrrrrrrrrrreat! Oh, wait-a-minute! Thats Tony The Frosties Tiger, isn't it? Hulk would mash him up, man!

Xx

Monday, June 02, 2008 - Tran-tastic

Well, where do I start? What an interesting weekend.

Following my near-death experience with the Glaswegian on Friday, I could've been killed in ways other than stabbing or head-butts on Saturday.

If looks could kill, I would never have made it to the first interval at the Covent Garden Comedy Club on Saturday night!

Now to try and keep it short and have "less chaff, more wheat" or "less fat, more meat", as the goodly Don Ward puts it everytime I do The Comedy Store, here we go.

So, with Graham's stag do to stage right and Hazel and Rodney's 50th anniversary directly in front, all was ticking along nicely with the celebrations.

Dear old Rodney with his thick mass of 70-year-old grey hair [bastard!] was amusingly slow to answer questions and start the clapping, with wife Hazel advising Graham and her grand-daughter there with her boyfriend, 'not to do it' in the marriage stakes, all was fun.

So, with said fun celebrations dealt with and all lovely, it was time to turn to the 'girls' in the front row to stage right sat right with the stags.

Now, sat with the stags and looking, shall we say for want of a better expression, 'dragged' up', it all had to be a stag-night prank right? And with me MC-ing, I had to address it, right? Wrong!

It was instantly obvious that they weren't with the stags at all and if looks could kill, I think I would have been hit by thunder and lightning by 'Jane'. So, back-track, back-track as the audience sat in view of them were mentally willing me to do so.

So, off I go after bring Alistair Barrie on and to the door staff and Lewis Bryan to make certain of the situation, which was confirmed by the door staff and various people I spoke to in the audience during the break.

"Oh, man! Why couldn't someone have said?" is all I can think to myself as we all realise and agree that they are three transvetites on a night out together! I do my best to ignore the situation all night but once again was called into action after it was witnessed and reported to me that 'Andy' in the stag party got snogging the one in the middle while the second interval was going on!

Now to be fair, she was quite pretty with nice legs and so I made a joke about being jealous and the next thing I know, the two of them are up on stage snogging again, in full view of everyone and in the spotlight! Watch this space for the video that was filmed on phone's by the stags, bluetoothed to me and will be put up soon!

It was suggested on the way out that I would be next as the 'girls' were leaving, so all good fun that turned an uncomfortable moment at the start of a show to [very] soft-porn on stage! Rollercoaster of a show. And not to be ended there.

Myself, Lewis and the DJ guy went to Motion nightclub down the road for our free tab drinks and the 'girls' are there! But what an interesting story. 'Pretty one' was telling about 'her' homelife, alter-ago and everything. It couldn't have been more interesting if I was talking to Dr Bruce Banner! It certainly opened my eyes and mind a bit. Amazing and very insightful conversation.

I wont go into details to protect the innocent, but alas, I have to say that when it was time for me to leave, a simple and harmless kiss on the cheek goodbye almost turned into a full-on snog! With 'her' not being the Hulk [I do love my Marvel characters and might kiss one were they real] after all, I had to decline.

Hey, not just because it was really a guy, but Lewis was there watching like a pervy voyeur and I do remember the masses of texts I got after the 'Brian' incident some years ago.... :-O

Xx

Saturday, May 31, 2008 - Disclaimer

Yeah, so before I get into any trouble, or commited, I should say that I was on the red wine last night and decided to put up an e-mail which was a response to Toni Allen in Melbourne saying a hello through Rachel as she was doing her hair.

I would also like to add that I have no evidence whatsoever that Danny Bhoy is gay and that it was said because I enjoy winding Toni up as she fancies him. Please dont sue me Danny.

I am already under the threat of death from a Glaswegian who I mocked at The Covent Garden Comedy Club last night, I reckon, who threw his drink at me at the end of the show! :-O

Actually, it was all in good fun. I took the piss out of the fact that this guy near the front had a dodgy striped tank top-style thing with buttons on and when it became clear that he was from Glasgow, I back-tracked as is the safe thing to do to prevent a stabbing or Glasgee kuss!

Then at the end when I was closing the show, I did a thankyou to all the nationalities in and made a point of saying that Scotland was the loveliest country in the world and I love their fashion sense and all that suck-up shite.

Thats when an almost empty can of Red Stripe made its way up on stage giving me a bit of a golden stage shower :-D

Mmmmm, lovely....

Xx

Friday, May 30, 2008 - Tell her I haven’t had a ’care package’ for a while....

Ok, so they only sent one, but I want more because I am greedy. And tell her that they have done nothing with my Nik Whores MySpace page since it was started. And tell her that she doesn't get in touch enough. And tell her that I should be asleep right now, but am not. And tell her that Spider-man is the greatest superhero ever, by at least virtue of being the gutsiest. And tell her that Danny Bhoy is gay and that Bri's friend's shagging him makes her a beard and a slag. And tell her that Arsenal play the best football in the world second only to Brazil because although they dont shift the ball as well as Arsenal they win shit except the last World Cup because they were too arrogant, but should still have whooped you Aussies by alot more than they did. And tell her that I miss Melbourne and it would be good to live there, but I cant because the circuit just wouldn't sustain my non-superstar career. And tell her that the Lions are cunts, but the Bombers just cant get any results and are therefore shit and need to get better and will soon. And tell her I want free meat from Kim's shop. And tell her......erm, I cant think of anything else. Oh yeah, tell her that the rooftop swimming pool at Singapore's Changi airport is great. And tell her that I wish I was a better person for so many reasons. And tell her that, erm, tell, her, erm, that I dont know why I am writing all this shit, but I am. Or at least I think its me. Unless I have been cloned from a fingernail or bogey that I flicked onto the floor of a Tube or bus sometime in the past and that if I was a clone, would I know? Would the clone know? Would ANYONE know unless we were stood together? And even then, who would know? I mean, we'd have the same memories, wouldn't we? Or do clones have no memory? Would that be their downfall in this genetically-enhanced world in which we are starting to live? Stem-cell research? Where did it start? Where will it end? Who knows? I dont. Maybe my clone does. If I have one. Surely it would be arrogant to assume that someone would want to clone me? I mean, why would they? Who am I? Who are any of us? Where did we come from? Where will it all end? Where in fact, did the Universe come from? Where will that end? Scientists think they know. Religious leaders think they know. But they dont. None of them do. And you know what? They never will....

Xx

Thursday, May 29, 2008 - Superhero?

I was awoken by my goodly agent Jonny B this morning with news that I was to compere a gig in Milton Keynes this evening. As it turned out, the opening act was stuck on the M1 and so re-arrangements were in order and saw me opening instead of MC-ing.

It was great fun with the mayor of Newport Pagnell's birthday party of twenty or so in the front and I got to get a much earlier train home. Re-sult!

So, anyway, in other news, apparently the green Hulk is back on the scene now and preparing to do battle with the red Hulk. All we need is an amber Hulk and we have a traffic light system. A very violent and angry one, but a traffic light system nonetheless.

Yes? No? Bollocks! Fuck that red Hulk shit! It just aint workin', is it? Even my quality joke about the red Hulk having a tufty green bit of hair on his head and looking like a giant red angry strawberry just about raised a few titters. People just dont see funny, do they? ;-p

I cant wait for the new Incredible Hulk movie though. It looks great. Check out the trailers on YouTube! Apparently though, in the film - where Hulky takes on the Tim Roth-inspired Abomination - the said enemy is stronger than the Hulk. In the real world – ie, the comics, that just isn't true!

The Abomination can lift/press approximately 90 tons, whereas Hulky's strength continuously increases with rage and is thus unlimited [just so you all know].

A bit like in the last FF movie when they said that the Silver Surfer got his power from his board. That just aint true either. The Silver Surfer has his great 'power cosmic' at all times. And would mash up Superman, if the fight ever arose, I might add!

A friend told me last night that I have good energy to be around. She is a psychologist and quite spiritual, so she should know, I guess. Maybe I should channel that energy into cosmic blasts like the Silver Surfer does? And go out and rid the world of violent crime, eh?

So, speaking of psychologists, I have a game for them. They often talk about people being like onions - you have to peel away the layers to see what's underneath. That evaluation considered, I thought it would be funny if they had a game called 'Onion', where they have a load of psychologists sat around a 'subject' and they each in turn, ask a question.

Since we know that onions are famed for making people cry, then basically the first person to peel away the layer that makes the 'onion' cry is the winner! Great game, eh? Slightly cruel in its intention, but could be fun, I reckon.

Also, while saving people is back on the menu. I saw a big black guy have a bit of a go at a bus driver whilst waiting at the bus stop on way to go and see the new Indiana Jones movie on Tuesday evening. I was worried I might have to step in again, but he didn't persist and wasn't really violent or racist. That would be weird, wouldn't it? A black guy racially abusing another black guy?

That would be like an Essex girl calling another Essex girl a tart that doesn't put her kebab down during a shag! Say, did my middle name just become 'hack comedy'? I think it did! I'm here all week! ;-p

Anyway, I wasn't on that particular bus, so it was out of my bus-based superhero jurisdicton. Luckily! Or I might have found out very quickly that I bruise quite easily and am far from being able to deflect bullets! :-D

Xx

Wednesday, May 21, 2008 - Bitch of an evening

At first I couldn't believe that I was coersed into going to watch that God-awful European Champions League between scum and scummer.

But let me tell you, I dont know if I've enjoyed a game of footy quite so much in recent times. The lesser of the two evils won and Roman and his cash-injected team lost on penalties on his home Russian turf. Great stuff.

John [Big Face] Terry AND Nicolas [ex-Arsenal miserable money-grabbing bastard] Anelka missing from the spot. Brilliant!. If Ashley ["I am so dumb and Cheryl Cole my gorgeous Girls Aloud wife is my beard"] Cole had as well, that would've been the best ever! Apart from if his legs fell off as he kicked the ball, of course. AND our Man Utd supporting mate Freddy never turned up, so it was just me and Kebba winding up Tony. Splendid evening! :-D

Now, riddle me this, people. Hero or villain? I was never a villain, I dont think, but let me know what you think. I got on the bus at Wembley Park on the way back from Harrow last night and sat down when this Spanish-sounding girl got on just after me and started having a go at the driver because the bus didn't go to Bounds Green. She began repeatedly calling him a "Fucking black slave" and kicking and punching his drivers box.

It looked like her boyfriend [or whoever he was] had dragged her off, but then she came back doing it all again. The boyfriend was rubbish and the people were just staring and waiing for the situation to be resolved, so eventually, I told her to "Get off the bus, you racist slut!".

Well, you know, I asked her to leave first. I didn't just jump in with that right away. I remember quite vividly the look of almost dis-belief on her racist face as she turned to me, that someone would actually challenge her.

Now to me, this shows a girl that needs some kind of discipline and respect in life. She started walking towards me like she was going to attack me or something. She probably gets away with being a complete bitch most of the time, I can imagine - like she was with that wimp of a bloke of hers, smiling like a twat as his girlfriend was verbally and viciously attacking a bus driver.

I simply grabbed her by the wrists and escorted her through the doors of the bus as her boyfriend - or whoever he was - watched on, almost glad that I did what he failed to do.

I congratulated the driver for his calm when I got off the bus and I think I will call up soon to say to his managers what a decent bloke he was about it all. Was I right to do that with her? She was such a rude and racist bitch, that I couldn't just let it be. I thought for a while before I said what I said and did what I did, but should I have done it?

If it was some massive bloke, maybe I wouldn't have - or maybe I would have, which might be more worrying and caused more problems. Like my death.

But blokes dont tend to be like that for such silly reasons. Actually, on second thought, perhaps they do. But the police would've probably been called if it was a man, I guess. I couldn't believe how much she seemed to be almost believing she could just get away with that sort of racist and violent behaviour. What we needed were a group of 'sisters' on the bus to 'mash her up' a bit. Then she would certainly think twice about that sort of carry on in the future.

A good evening anyway! :-}

Xx

Wednesday, May 14, 2008 - Massive

Thats it then. The Antipodean festivals are over for another year. I am back home safely courtesy of the Singapore airlines A380 - The largest airbus in the sky! It is large too.

Bit of extra leggy room and nice big screen for watching great films like 'There Will Be Blood' and 'AVPR'. That would be Alien V Predator: Requiem. Okay, so that wasn't so great, but not bad for a no-brainer. I feel that they could and should've done more with the 'PredAlien' thing though, to be honest. But never mind.

And that aeroplane's tail-fin and wings are ginormous, man! And its take-off was real smooth. Big and chunky, but smooth. Like the Barry White of passenger aircraft. Maybe they should paint it black and put a beard and soul-glo perm on it!

Its strange how they have done away with Concorde in the last few years, but now have this fat giant in the sky. From slim, sleek and fast, to a large, powerful, tubular chunky thing. Still, I suppose its the way of the world - and no doubt how these fat politicians keep getting laid!

Oh, and I enjoyed swimming in my rooftop swimming pool at terminal one of Changi airport in Singapore too. A nice wee treat for the half-way [ish] mark.

And jolly good end to the fest in New Zealand though. Another full room, packed out at Bodega on Saturday and some cool young ladies and gentlemen who caught me MC-ing at The Bathhouse last year sat in the front row and were a good laugh.

And yes, they got a photo of me after with my Spidey hoody up after the show too. Cheeky young ladies! Great face for radio, me! ;-p

Probably the most amusing thing happened after the show though, when I was told that a couple at the back - who incidentally weren't that old - were discussing how they didn't like alot of the ruder stuff.

I like that because not only do I want people coming back [like the front row] who who like what I do, but also because they said they were off to the late show at The San Fran Bathhouse. Now, I know from experience that there is some very rude and dark material to be heard there, as well as some nudity to be seen! And from the show I saw, they wouldn't have been 'disappointed'!

There was - like the previous night - a bit of nudity and drunken fun courtesy of one Michael Patrick Dwyer - so, I am sure my 'fans' had a great time there. If they stayed til the end that is! Somehow, I doubt it though! ;-p

So, its a show at the Brighton Fringe festival tonight and if all goes well, I might stay over and hopefully catch some of this marvellous sun that England has been experiencing. You hear that MELBOURNE? Yes, I said SUN! Forgotten what that is there? Poor Melbourne. Not much sun and still a water shortage. Bummer!

Right, off I go, budlings....

Xx

Thursday, May 08, 2008 - Squids in. Or not!

All is good here in Welly.

My first show here was alot of fun. A full room of more lovely Kiwis. I even did an extra 15 minutes. It wasn't necessarily intentional, but they were so much fun, that I went over.

There's no show at the venue after mine, so that was all cool and I was having a good time with them, so didn't feel the need to clock-watch. I just hope that it continues this way up until my last show on Saturday night.

The room was really dark too, so banter was restricted to the front row mostly. That rabbit in the headlights would normally freak me out a bit, but I felt really comfortable up there, so things are improving comedy-wise, I would say. I would hope!

Also yesterday, upon advice of what to do in Welly, I went to go see this 'collossal squid' at Te Papa museum down by the waterfront, but upon getting there yesterday, discovered that its not yet ready for viewing as they are still doing all the processing and preserving business. Apparently the papers have hyped it up, so people think it's ready in its glass case to be seen, but its not! Bastard squid!

It has the biggest eye ever apparently, so I was kinda hoping they'd vacuum pack it, so I could poke the eye like I used to do to the dead fish at the supermarkets when I was a kid! :-D

No joy to be had there though! :-s

Xx

Monday, May 05, 2008 - Dolphins and Crocs

So, hey, yeah, its quite sunny in Windy Wellington today.

I got here on Sunday and after settling into the hotel a bit, made my way to meet Dave Mitchell and James Nikose to head to a gig in Lower Hutt at a place called the Buzz bar. I did the gig last year and it was great again. Lovely crowd in a lovely room, with lovely staff. Seems a bit of a New Zealand theme, actually. Note to self, must come back here.

Anyway, Auckland was cool. The three shows at the Transmission Room were great fun. All three seemed to start with FEMALE hecklers! Right off the bat! But then, I was wearing my red Crocs, so it had to be expected, I suppose.

And a few foolish people - girls included, still think that Wolverine would beat Spider-man in a fight. But the intelligencia amongst the crowds knew where the smart money would go.

Wolvie fans and their silly arguments hold no water. Things like, "Wolverine would lull the naive Spider-man in close and knife him as he is a better 'assassin'...." (retards), and "Wolverine is mates with Gambit, so he would team-up and they would win....". My God, it gets worse! Spidey is quite matey with the Silver Surfer! One click of the silvery fingers and adamantium-laced-bones-short-five-foot-three-inches-tall-and-hairy-alky-cigar-smoking-man is history. Geez, get me some people who know to make a case!

So, it was all fun anyway!

And I did get to see my dolphins out from Auckland harbour again. It was an emotional return after not seeing them for four years. I think they missed me, to be honest. The video of them is quite good too that I took with my Nokia N95. If you can ignore the kids that are screaming silly names like "Bobby" and "Timmy" at the common dolphins (delphinus delphis), then its ok to look at!

I was told a funny story after my show too, about a dolphin. A girl in the crowd on Thursday (heckley Wolverine fan, but I forgave her), came with her friend for a drink at The Classic and told me that one of her clients where she works was lying on a boat with her legs dangling over the edge when a dolphin leaped out of the sea and accidentally landed on top of her, crushing her and she had to go to hospital.

Not funny that she got crushed, but imagine explaining that to the doctors and your family? It would be hard not to at least smile!

Apparently the dolphin made its apologies and just wriggled back into the water.

So, now in Welly and hoping for just as much fun with the crowds down here. No dolphin watching here, but the Crocs will come out!

Xx

Saturday, April 26, 2008 - Not bad this Brisbane place

So, I did my first gig in Brisbane last night. At place called the Dockside Comedy bar. A lovely gig that I had dropped in to watch on Thursday, so knew it was a nice room.

However, the Saturday night crowd seemed to have other ideas about how the night was going to go. It was still a nice gig, but alot of the crowd were drunk, rowdy and restless.

Fortunately, alot of the crowd were still up for it and I had friends that I knew from The Big Night Out gig in London's West End come along. Morgan and Christine who used to work at the Comedy Pub, had moved back to Brissie some months ago and said to e-mail them when I was coming here.

They brought some friends, so with them and the rest of the crowd that were into it still, I took to the stage and had a great time. Lovely Brisbane people in the crowd. I shall look forward to doing more gigs there next year.

Another late night in 'The Valley' with no 'lady garden' flashes this time and then back to Aaron's. This afternoon saw us take Aaron's girlfriend Vicky to lunch in manly to lovely place called 'Wardy's On The Water for her birthday. The we had a nice sun-soaked stroll through a market and a kick of my Essendon Bombers ball in the park and now back home for a pleasnt night in with Aaron and Vicky before my early flight to Auckland tomorrow.

So, a good few days in brisbane comes to an end. Not a bad place this Bris Vegas. For visit, some gigs and young girls flashing their wares at least anyway....

Xx

Friday, April 25, 2008 - God Bless Queensland!

Now that the Melbourne festival is over, as was my time having free drinks at The Elephant And Wheelbarrow, as well as the Exford Hotel, it was time to head up to - as it is affectionately known in Australia - Bris Vegas, to saty with Aaron and his girlfriend Vicky and also catch up to Willies and do a spot of comedic non-genius at the Dockside Comedy Bar.

On the second night here we hit the town again. The first night was a pop-in to the Dockside to watch Willis do a spot. He did well, as did a few Queensland comics of which I had never heard, but was impressed with. An interesting area of Brissie known as The Valley was where we hit. Its basically a street with bars and food places on it.

So, Aaron, Willis and my good self were drinking in a roughish bar called RG's when this short, youngish little girl in a white dress cuts in between us at the bar and proceeds to guzzle Aaron's pint after Willis wouldn't let her drink his. She says nothing, just starts guzzling. I decide to try to make comversation as she inexplicably has her hand on mine whilst downing Aaron's pint almost oblivious to her surroundings.

With that, she turns around and starts showing us all her knickerless 'lady garden', whilst doing a little dance, then grabs the pint and runs off down the street with it, carrying it like the little squirrel with the nut in 'Ice Age'.

I have spent a total of about 8 days in Adelaide, three weeks in Sydney, a couple of weeks in Perth and countless months in Melbourne over the years, but less that TWO DAYS in Bris Vegas and I witness THIS! Shocking business!

God bless Queensland! :-D

I tried to get a photo for you all, but alas wasn't prepared for such a happening, so couldn't get my phone out in time Sorry! ;-p

Xx

Thursday, April 10, 2008 - Nearly over

Well, yes, two more Best of British, three more Comedy Club slots and two more solo shows and thats MICF done and dusted for another year.

Its been busy and fun and the voice has stood the test of doing about 80 shows. It got a bit croaky for a good while, but my gobby self would not yield to the vocal chords and we came through them all ok together in the end.

I dont suppose the 5 or 6am bedtimes have helped, but you know, its a festival, right?

And the weekend that Aaron - who we used to stay with here in Melbourne - came down from Brisbane, the nights were sometimes later than that. Still, that bad and evil man has left now. He bought me an Essendon Bombers 'ball' to make up for stealing my bed though, so he's alright by me again.

So, two weeks of chilling here with a few gigs and a possible couple of days in Adelaide and weekend up in Brisbane (stay away from the bad man Aaron, stay away from the bad man....) and then its off to Auckland and Wellington for the festival there.

Probably not so many late nights and losing beds to drunken Aussies there, but instead a lovely hotel and also a few Aucklander burgers from 'The White Lady', no doubt....

Xx

Thursday, April 03, 2008 - Mental Aussies!

Yes, they are! All of them!

Well, the one’s at my show last night were anyway! It was certainly the ’liveliest’ crowd I have had at this and maybe any festival, I reckon.

Very few Brits in and no North Americans or Kiwis, so a room FULL to the brim with Aussies, who were chatty, laughy and all-round fun.

A few at the bar were chatting a bit, so the customary slagging of the ’bogans’ ensued, but then they thought they would turn the tables on me by getting me to ’skull’ a pint of lager. Sadly, even as a Brit, I was unsuccessful - it was far too fizzy. And cold.

Whats wrong with them? They know we love our beer warm in Blighty! I wouldn’t mind, but the whole crowd were chanting ’skull, skull, skull!’ - even the WOMEN. Savages, I tell you! SAVAGES!

Alas, ’twas a great, fun hour and I succeeded in my challenge right at the end when it hit me that Guinness is not fizzy. so I downed that. I think they were more impressed due to its thickness, but as I said, it was the fizz that was the problem.

Dignity saved by the good ol’ Irish Guinness!

Xx

Wednesday, April 02, 2008 - 150 -51

Fiddlesticks!

Our young Essendon team got a good tonking from last years champions Geelong on Sunday and I was there to watch it live at the Telstra Dome. We truly got bombed out, man!

In other news, there was a little bit of wind here in (not-so) sunny Melbourne and the city was thrown into a panic with the police advising people to stay out of the CBD.

I mean you wouldn’t want to have your hat blown off in the City, now would you? Or have a few leaves brush past your legs. My God! They dont know they’re born here in Melbourne!

I wouldn’t mind, but they were showing the snowy scenes in England on the news here the other day. Then a week later, its panic stations because a few twigs got blown across the street!

Show-wise, the voice is getting a bit strained, with the 2 - 4 shows a night, but I will just talk through it til my vocal chords just go "Oh stuff it, he aint gonna give us a rest, so might as well carry on....".

And since the crowds have been good here, I decided to put on an extra show in case people turned up last night, but couldn’t get the fliering team on the case and what with all the Melbourians evacuating The City because of the big bad scary wind, it didn’t go ahead. Had great fun, as always, at The Last Laugh though, even though the crowd were a bit ’tight’ as Rich Ceisler put it.

Rich is the American comedian from Boston who is headlining The Last Laugh. he’s a great guy and extremely funny.

Right, back to doing my washing. The black shirt and Spidey hoody are in the machine and soon to be coming out.

Xx

Tuesday, March 25, 2008 - Baby Boy

Right, so, well, apart from it pissing down today (what?! RAINING? In MELBOURNE! Surely not!) all was great last night and the solo show was alot of fun.

From the London guy and his two chatty girlie mates, to the other Brits and Aussies, it was all great and loads of new ideas were allowed to channel through my motormouth.

Surprisingly, the only ’disturbance’ was from a family of (usually reserved) Kiwis from Dunedin! They were sat right at the back, pissed and would chat at various times durning the show. Explaining stuff to each other no doubt! The dad seemed focused, but the mum and sons were drunk and very chatty.

Still, the Brits and Aussies held firm and we all had fun.

Now that aside, more goodly news. My very good friends Tony and Yvonne back in Blighty have just had their 3rd baby. If only they’d buy a telly, for Christ’s sake! And speaking of Christ, Christian is his name.

Thats all jolly good and not late like the last two, although I believe this one was a ’c’ section. But it means that little Georgia has an older brother to protect her and a younger one to bully and adorn in all sorts of make up! Lucky girl!

Xx

Monday, March 24, 2008 - 122 - 67

Or rather 67 - 122 as it was The Kangaroos home game.

Yep, that was the score that Essendon beat North Melbourne by in their first game of the season and I was there to watch it all happen. After a slow start, the Bombers dropped some serious bombs on the hapless Kangaroos, especially in the 3rd quarter. It was just one after the other, like a heavy-handed carpet-bombing that normally only The American military is capable of!

The only sadness was that Aaron (my footy partner last year) could not be there as he is now living in Brisbane with his girlfriend and couldn’t even watch it live on the telly. She knew what she was doing!

Once these birds get their talons in, thats it, mate. All over for you and your footy viewing! ;-p

So, sport aside, the festival here is all going very well. With the Best of British show every night, as well as the spots at The Last Laugh at The Comedy Club every night, followed by my solo show all back-to-back is making for a busy time. But it does mean that I get loads of people seeing me every night and has seen to it that my solo show has been pretty full so far.

Its very strange getting your head around doing a short bit at Best of British, then a 20-minute slot at The Comedy Club, then doing an hour where I have to get all the new stuff in. Yep, I know! I said it! New stuff! And lots of it!

And it makes its way out when I dont have to deal with a group of drunks from Brisbane, or girlies in the front row kicking each other and passing phones around between themselves! Lovely ladies and bless them, but they just dont get it.

The Aussies are learning more about their country and wildlife and sport than they ever knew before, as are the othet travellers that make their way into the room at The Elephant And Wheelbarrow in the City of Melbourne. Hey, it might not all be funny, but it is informative! ;-p

I even had three American girls in last night that knew all about the ’Redcoats’ and historical things outside of their own country. Amazing!

Right then time to get re-shuffling my sets and show in light of the realisation that a good few people came straight up to my solo show after Best of British last night. I didn’t think that would, but they do. While some bits are still fresh in their heads! Difficult, but a learning curve and will require some adjusting.

And I have a cold looming....

’Nuff for now.

Xx

10 Mar 2008 - Bear huggy

So, what can I say since my last wolf-based blog entry?

The weekend at Leeds Jongleurs was absolutely great. Easily one of the best gigs to play in the UK.

My trip to Melbourne to do the St Kilda Laughs Festival and gigs proved to be fun and profitable in that I will now be doing a run at the Comedy Club in Melbourne as well as my solo show at The Elephant and Wheelbarrow in The City and the Best of British show at The Exford Hotel. So thats all good.

And with up and down the country it has been a busy and jolly few weeks indeed.

However, to more serious matters. To go from [were]wolves to bears, I watched 'Grizzly Man' last night.

I couldn't help thinking that Timothy Treadwell was a bit of an annoying cock!

I couldn't feel any remorse for him getting munched on and killed by a bear. Not just because its almost how he wanted to die, but just because he was a dick that was a bit mental and was the very epitome of all that is bad about these tree-hugging uber-lefties.

I dont see anything wrong with being a vegan, or vegetarian, or protecting animals and things, but living with grizzly bears! Bears aren't human and you are, you idiot! They dont think the same way. Leave them alone and get back with your people. Still, he was a mis-fit and he died. He got what he wanted.

Still, he didn't make money out of it all, so he didn't deserve it like that 'Roy' bloke from that camp magic duo, 'Siegfried and Roy' in Las Vegas. Dont mess with tigers and bears, man! Thats my message.

Not a bad film at all, Grizzly Man, but Timothy Treadwell really annoyed me. And he got his girlfriend Amy killed too. Twat!

What else? Cant think. Saw my nephew Little Louie for the first time in a while, so that was good. And my Dad has retired from London Underground as of yesterday after nearly 4O years.

Thats it for now, I think....

Xx

17 Jan 2008 - Werewolves

I just finished watching Silver Bullet.

It was as good as I remember it. You might not think so if you saw it, but I watched it years ago on retro-video [well, video wasn't retro then] and loved it. Hardly a classic, but I do like me werewolf movies. Its a bit of a love and hate thing really. Probably from way back when I was young and 'An American Werewolf In London' scared and affected me for years.

I was always scared having to put my bike in the shed years ago in the dark, because I imagined a werewolf being up the alleyway behind the house. I imagined a hairy hand grabbing my leg from the stairs as I went the toilet at night and even playing wide games [fun military-style games at night] with the scouts I would be out in the woods thinking and afraid of getting attacked by lycanthropes [werewolves]. 'Lycanthrophobia' I called it.

Still suffer from it a bit. Not as bad as arachnophobia though. But then spiders ARE real, even if they cant really kill me!

Thing is, I was a patrol leader in the scouts, so had to hold it together while I was out there. Not because lives would be lost [it wasn't Vietman], but I still had to do things, think about things and look after the young one's in the troop who kind of looked up to you. Weird, huh?

And a little bit dramatic when you read it. The mind of a kid, eh? And the distant memory of an adult.

Shit, am I an adult now? :-O

Better start acting accordingly....

Xx

05 Jan 2008 - 2OO8

I just haven't been blogging recently.

This is dreadful!

I hope all my MySpace budlings are having a great New Year.

I have started mine with a cold, a toothache and drinking too much on the night of the 2nd Jan and missing ouit on going to see my friends Tony and Yvonne and their lovely kiddie-winkles for feeling too rough the next day.

Terrible considering one of my resolutions was to go to bed earlier and another was to drink less. Still the sickness ensured that I wont do it for a while.

Worry not, I will see my dentist soon mind. She is a little Chinese lady that will no doubt lecture me for not seeing her in ages. I can imagine her saying in her little Chinesey accent "Why people always wait til they get toothache before coming to dentist?".

To which I will reply "Because toothache is the only thing that hurts more that your bloody drill, thats why!".

Ok, I probably wont! But I will make sure that she realises that the last time I saw her and she extracted a tooth, she left a couple of bits still in there and it was agony. I didn't want to go back, so I tweezered them out myself!

However, aside form all that, my first gig back was at Cranleigh Arts Centre on Friday and they were a delightful crowd. The front row of guys actually told me off for not ripping into them more!

And earlier tonight was my agent Jon's recording of showreels and DVD of all his acts at the Red Rose comedy club, which again had a lovely crowd and we all had fun.

Verily 'tis a shame however that the new owners of said venue want to turn the comedy room out back that has a great history of comedy there into a snooker club. Now as many people know, snooker club's dont really make much money and are usually secret code for drug den's!

Hence, we are not happy about that!

Anyway, comedy life goes on and it certainly has had a great start in 2OO8!

Xx